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As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
Did you know that in 2001, 60% of all American marriages ended in divorce? By 2005, 70% of our marriages are expected to end. My research shows that our second marriages are less successful. What can we do? Why do we get divorced? How can we avoid divorce? As The Divorce Coach©, I will answer your questions in this ongoing column.
For some of my clients, their marriage ends before it begins. Love can be the Evolving Door and you may discover different feelings and needs as your marriage progresses. Others try to save their relationship, but may lack crucial communication skills. In this column, couples will learn how to reconnect. Coaching may create a door you can walk through together. For parents, this may seem miraculous.
created The Divorce Forum seminars and the website, www.thedivorceforum.com
, to present strategies that I had discovered myself for surviving and
healing. Since 1999, 2 million people have visited to Ask the
Divorce Coach© and other experts how to avoid pitfalls in
finance, parenting and emotional issues.
Divorce can be the Heros Journey; your private odyssey. There is an opportunity inherent for everyone in the process of divorce. This column will demonstrate a route from pain to your very own Declaration of Independence through mourning and final healing. My request is that you email your questions to email@example.com, and I will respond. In addition to my advice, there will be answers from prominent Santa Monica experts: Mark Patt, Esq., managing partner of Trope and Trope, renowned family law firm; Deanie Kramer, Divorce Court Television mediator, Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald, of The Santa Monica Wellness Center and William Stierle of Corporate Culture Development . Additional experts include specialists in parenting, finance, therapy and spirituality.
Who can benefit from coaching? The value of divorce coaching© has been experienced by entire families and since divorce affects almost 100% of the population, your results may be extensive.
Why should you endure a divorce that rivals The California Gold Rush for greed and desperation? Future columns will offer exercises to process your emotions and create a new life, by immersing yourself in THE 7 STAGES of DIVORCE©: Panic, Denial, Agony, Rage, Epiphany, Negotiation & Peace. Each week, articles will include secrets from my upcoming book, Divorce: The Marry-Go-Round© or How to Save your Money, Your Sanity or Your Life. You will be offered training in 100 techniques such as Nonviolent Communication and Herrmann Brain Dominance Typing.
Learn The 4 Steps to divorce: During Step 1. Protection, one client discovered how to create safety for herself and her children by learning new ways to discuss her needs with her husband. In Step 2. Legal measures, another client learned skills to interview different attorneys and received referrals. I had a client who dealt with Step 3. Compromise, through options for negotiation. The most important considerations in Step 4. Healing are the training that clients receive in considering different styles of therapy and healing.
How can you understand the divorce process? Why ask The Divorce Coach©? This is the first holistic healing for divorce. When we begin to heal the different Stages; AGONY, PANIC or RAGE, we begin on the surface, dealing with what is directly in front of us. As we continue with the healing, deeper layers of pain are healed and may disappear. Divorce Coaching© allows you to reach the 7th STAGE, PEACE, and to move from the painful past to a peaceful future. None of us is prepared for a divorce; some marriages end amicably, some end with bitterness and financial ruin. More than half of all divorces render one or both partners homeless. The emotions are not only experienced by our conscious minds, these feelings reach deeply into our souls. Even if you are a determined and rational person, divorce can reach you where you live.
THE PURPOSE OF DIVORCE
By Rev. Bernard Goodman
The purpose of divorce is completion and freedom.
Completion of the lessons learned, and freedom to move on to a better life, a better you, a better everything with more strength and more knowledge than before.
Divorce is one road to healing. It Is the next step to the rest of your life. as challenging as it may or may not be, your life is heading for a better place, because you have made the statement, the decision, that you have the courage to move on to bigger and better things, without, the need of your partner.
As in any journey, one step at a time is required to direct you to where your "next" will be.
And even if you are still connected to or in contact with your partner, you are still going it alone. Good for you.
The courage it takes to step out on your own, whether with children or without children, still says that you are strong enough, willing enough, powerful enough to do this.
So, please be aware that millions of people, before you and after you, have done and will do the same.
So, you are not alone, you are not the only one going through whatever you may be going through, and I congratulate you for taking this step.
Everybody knows the courage it takes, the wisdom it takes, the strength it takes and you got it!
So, keep moving forward. Keep applying yourself to the future. Keep seeking the higher ground from which you can see farther than before. And keep being you no matter what. For God made only one of you. And that's the truth.
So love yourself, give yourself hugs, acknowledge yourself for the courage, and know that you are stronger for it.
With praise and honor to you. God bless.
THE HEALING CIRCLE
Your first decision must be to heal yourself. You, alone, have the power to define yourself. Your second decision must be to heal the relationship whether or not you want to stay together. These are inevitably linked together.
decide to let the relationship go which will involve one type of healing.
Or, together with your partner, you may decide to explore the relationship
and work together toward mutual healing.
The following questionnaire, developed by Frank Zizzo, PhD., offers insight into the issues involved in the process of reconciliation. These questions may be employed to discover our expectations and requirements and to listen to those of our partner. The third step in the process of healing is understanding. Even when you have been in a relationship for a very long time, your idea of your partners' needs may not be accurate. But as you work through these questions and their answers together, or with the help of a therapist, you will develop a clearer view of the areas of agreement and where the problems are most likely to arise.
This questionnaire is best utilized with a 3rd party to whom both sets of answers are given simultaneously. In this way, there is no chance that the more eager partner can change the answers to fit the needs of the other; thereby creating a reconciliation that reconciles nothing.
shared and discussed this, take a moment and notice how you feel. Remember
that feelings are an important way of telling yourself the truth. And
the truth is the only place from which to start the healing process.
A relationship is a sacred merging of two souls within or without the legal vows or matrimony. This union encompasses all aspects of physical, emotional and psychological domains.
While there may be differences of opinion and preferences there will be no more struggle than when the left and right leg go for a walk together, each part o f the same body, benefiting from the other for balance.
By Helen Parsons
inner directed; control is outer directed
The outcome of living from power is peace; the outcome of living from control is fear
Victimology is the psychological (real or unreal), the emotional, and/or the physical result of a divorcé(e) who believes that he or she is a victim of the relationship.
many factors, real or unreal, as the mind creates its own horror at times.
Victimology is the category of responding to and then the seeking of healing, dissolving, completing, atoning, identifying, acknowledging, and ultimately recognizing the truth vs the illusion or mis-interpretation.
The desired end result is focusing on what the truth is and then doing whatever process is necessary to heal.
If one considers a courtship and/or a relationship, a marriage, and then a divorce as a journey, the completion of this journey is much more palatable.
As a journey, there is a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Since life is filled with journeys; marriage and divorce is just one of them. It is not the end-all to everything.
Divorce is just another way of having a new beginning. A beginning that can transmit you into a better life and a higher understanding of your life.
A spiritual look at this entire journey is a higher way of looking at all the events that occurred which have brought you to where you are now.
And since now is all you have, now is where you begin the new journey of perhaps healing and moving on to the next journey, whatever that may be.
However, since you are still here, it is suggested that you are a better person, a stronger person, a more enlightened and aware person than you were perhaps before.
So in the greater scheme of things, a divorce may actually be a good thing. It is definitely more freeing than the captivity of the marriage, if this is your case.
So, being true to yourself, being more than you were before, being willing to go beyond before this all enters your new life as a divorcé(e) and your new journey which can start right now.
And by the
way, "divorcé" or "divorcée" is not
a dirty word.
The Cause of and Possible Solution to Pressure and Stress
In the last twenty-five years, scientists have discovered the root of dis-ease in stress which creates a weakened immune system and many curable and incurable symptoms. As the speed of life accelerates and as our opportunities and goals expand at warp speed, it is natural for us to consider pressure and stress as an automatic component of life. But perhaps, pressure and stress are the largest illusions that we perpetrate upon ourselves.
Pressure and stress come from fear. And fear is an illusion that we create in our own mind and which is translated and transmitted to our body and to our health. So it is our own inner thinking, our own conclusion, our own choice that creates the pressure and the stress. And so it is our own inner thinking that can let go of the pressure and the stress that we have created.
By letting go we have peace. And this is one secret to life.
The truth is that for some reason, whether it is from something we saw, heard, thought, believed, bought, accepted, felt, imagined, misconstrued, or desired ... we accepted that pressure and stress have to be part of life. And this is the illusion. The mind creates pressure and an alteration of the nervous system and this altered state is called stress.
We create pressure when we live from the point of view that we don't have enough enough of time or money or love or any other commodity. How true this is ... is questionable.
The truth is that we alone are the ones who create our thoughts. And it is what we think at any given moment that determines what we do or don't do. So, if and when any one of us feels pressure or stress, we may want to look at what is going on and then choose whether to continue the pressure and stress or to let go of whatever is causing it. Often these thoughts or decisions may be false, out of date, or inappropriate. Sometimes they may have served us before, and now are no longer necessary, valid, wanted, or needed.
We are the only ones translating our experiences into pressure and stress. And as soon as we realize that there is no one else doing this to us and that it is an illusion, we can let go of the outdated concept. When we do this, the pressure disappears.
mind takes over and stress is imminent use the following technique: take
a deep breath, hold it, and then let it out slowly. If once is not enough;
2 or 3 times in succession may be sufficient. This will automatically
slow down the internal functions such as heart beat, pulse rate, blood
flow and a racing mind.
Every time we do this we ease our entire nervous system, thus allowing ourselves the time to consider or reconsider what is going on. When you affect the external, the effect is internal; when you alter the inner you transmute the outer.
When you feel pressure and stress you may want to look at what is going on and then choose the truly appropriate response. To find peace, let go. By letting go of the thought that this is the way it has to be, you can allow yourself to feel better than you may have considered possible. And sometimes the easiest way to do this is to slow down.
Also, please be aware that not all situations afford the instant ability to do the above. You may have to wait until you have the time and place to experience the release; if that is what you choose.
Interview with Dan Couvrette CEO and publisher of Divorce Magazine and Susan Allan, CEO of The Divorce ForumT
This is the first in our series of articles demonstrating the inspiration that divorce can be with the proper "glass half full" attitude. In "You've Got Mail", the Meg Ryan character says, "They say that change is a good thing; but all it means is that something you didn't want to happen at all, happens."
Dan Couvrette, editor and CEO of Divorce Magazine.com, has used his own divorce as a springboard for his successful magazine. While recuperating from his own experiences he has created an invaluable resource for all of us.
"Dan, how many years ago were you divorced?"