Mom. Mommy. Mother. [Mere-if you're into that Euro-speak]
For many, an image of a sweet, little old lady in her declining years, stooped over, standing at a kitchen counter baking an apple pie, a self-knitted shawl on her shoulders, comes to mind. For some, the word evokes the memory of a smell from a long past summer barbeque or a trip to the store on a particularly rainy day, where the air was so charged you could smell the ozone.
Some people are stupid.
Most people are stupid.
In fact, if you have ever thought any of these things, you are stupid.
Your mom is no better or worse than any of those women you are now divorced from. Chances are, your mom was at one or more times divorced herself.
Now, here's an exercise you can try at home. UNDT YOU VILL!!! SCHNELL!!
Pretend that you are your dad, and your mom is your wife. Sure it's disgusting-but HEAR ME OUT!
OK, you get divorced. How do you feel about mom now? All of a sudden, the woman from whose tender loins*you sprang isn't getting as many brownie points as before.
Sure she gave you life, but now she has the house, both cars, custody of your kids (which in a twisted,uber-Oedipal way includes you), and you have to pay her money for the privilege of supporting this lifestyle to which you accustomed her. Is that living?
[Those brought up in a religious environment may now wish to consult their various doctrines and other affiliated books to answer this question. For example, in the BIBLE, 'Chapter 3: Reshingling Your Roof for the Winter,' the word "no" makes several glaring appearances. CLEAR proof, in this case, that the Lord has spoken on the matter.]1
Now ask yourself, what if, before she left you for Skip the Rollerblading Instructor, you and your mom had your own kids-excepting the flippers, bleeding gums and propensity for banjo playing that would ensue-what would that be like? Most fathers become jealous of all the attention new children receive, but you'd have to be jealous of your new kids and yourself, every time your mom paid any excess attention to you. Would you go through puberty all over again, just to feel accepted? Would you look at nudie mags with them? Would you speak about sex in excited, hushed tones late at night, and "swear to god" you've seen real breasts before, and to prove it, show Polaroids you and mom took?
And the nagging! Good lord! She'd probably tell you to put a coat on after you had sex. Plus, after the divorce, who would get custody? Would she get your kids and you? Sure, the new brood came from her womb, but you could claim that as its first tenant, you had squatter's rights.
Oh, here's a big one: could this be considered at least a quasi-immaculate conception?
Hopefully this won't happen to you. But a good warning sign is if you answer the sphinx's riddle and save the city of Thebes from a years-long curse. If this happens, DO NOT MARRY THE QUEEN! I repeat-DO NOT MARRY THE QUEEN!
Don't start complaining about the content at this point, you little feebs. Point of fact, if you're checking this web-site, statistically speaking, you probably grew up with a single mom and were forced to call some new, transient barfly "father" every week. And for the price of a pack of baseball cards and the occasional ticket to one of the Ernest movie installments, you would. SO in a way, you're a little bit of a whore yourself.
I hope you've taken a few moments to take this all in, realizing what your mother was really like. I know it's a lot.
Not as much though as say recalling in group therapy the time your mom left you in Lane 9 of Greater Metrowest Bowling Allies to hitch a ride on the back of Assistant Manager Ted's hog--cause there wasn't enough room for three, and even though she promised to come get you within a half hour, things with "Ted" went really well. So she felt obliged to stay the weekend and see where that particular "life's journey" took her, leaving you to fend for yourself in the men's bathroom to shine shoes for vending machine change so you could live off Hostess SnoBalls® and Bartlett's TRAIL and CANDY mix®.
And by the time she remembered to get you, two weeks later, bumming a ride off some dude in a van at least--so you could fit this time, "See, I was thinking of you!"-your skin was so saturated with lead-based polish, it had seeped into your blood stream, weakened your immune system, and allowed you to become infected with polio.
Polio for god's sake! Who gets polio these days?!
1 NOTE: In hindsight, the author may actually be thinking of a set of Time Life books entitled "Repairing Your Palace, Outside and In: a homeowner's guide to the industrial arts" and not the Bible. It should also be noted that the Bible, upon careful review, is not divided into chapters--as such--but by disciple names and things like the beginning of the universe and all that. Also, it tends to be highly preachy, whereas the repair books take a very patient, relaxed approach to teaching and DO NOT threaten you with eternal damnation. Point: Home repair books. Set. Game. Match.
Crespo is a registered Jack-Ass®
Lease Your Next Wife
Lease your next wife; don't buy.
We offer both short-term rentals and corporate lease options. Every wife comes with a full warranty on all parts. You may not even realize the tremendous advantages; you can send her out for servicing whenever you're too busy to attend to those pesky problems under the hood!
How much is your current wife costing you? Those restaurant dinners, the clothes, the vacations! Did you really want to go on that cruise? Tell the truth; weren't you really dreaming of a golf trip with your buddies?
For only $3800 down and $600 per month you can have someone as pretty as Ms. January who purrs when you put your key in the ignition! Remember that the payments are based on the resale value. Choose a high end model and it lowers the lease price! Think Darva Conger- she has a lot more miles left on her after her VERY short-term lease. The more mileage that's left in her, the better price you'll get on the open market when it's time to trade her in.
You pick the optional equipment and the best basic package you can afford. Remember that the better the body work the longer it lasts. And if she's got a really great paint job, she can redo it herself, every day. No need to send her in Earl Scheib.
We offer full factory service and we'll give you a loaner for 3 or 4 days a month when she's unserviceable. If she overheats you can trade her in; but why would you want to.
Want a classic? For the man who loves cars and breasts why not pick the 1953 model? Like the Cadillac of the same year, those big chrome breasts can hold up pretty well if you pick one in cherry condition. And the better models won't depreciate as quickly. But more about that cherry condition later! Select a front or rear engine vehicle.
Choose the options carefully. If you want one that's fully loaded- the loaded ones have their own set of options and stocks and bonds. Want one that's easier to drive...home? OK; you're the boss. How big an engine are we talking about? You tell us and we'll find that baby for you. And our special sound systems come with a MUTE button, making every one a perfect companion!
Let's talk about the trade-in; you can swap between wives as needed; short term or long leases. Do you get the 7 year itch or are you looking for a weekend rental? Maybe you just need a fancy set of you-know-what's for that high-school reunion or your best friend's wedding. And our special high-end models come with a cloaking device- why should you pay for fur?
We can handle your performance up-grades and all your trade-ins. So here's the lease form; fill in as needed:
Early termination: I may have to pay a substantial charge if I end this lease early as the mileage may vary. The actual charge will depend on when the lease is terminated. The earlier I end the lease the greater this charge is likely to be. If there's trouble under the hood, trade that baby in! It's cheaper than therapy.
Excessive Wear and tear: At the scheduled termination of this lease, I will be charged for excessive wear based on your standards of normal use. I will be charged for each mile driven over the maximum number of miles stated here at a rate of 1 carat per mile or I will be charged for the loss in wholesale value as indicated in the then current edition of the Kelley Girl Book, whichever is less.
Purchase option at the end of the lease. I have an option to purchase the vehicle at the end of the lease term for the amount stated here, plus any applicable sales/use taxes, and any amounts past due and owing under this lease. I understand that the cost of the wedding and honeymoon should be negotiated before the purchase.
I agree to hold the management harmless for any defects discovered after exercising the purchase option. Forget the lemon clause; this ain't Detroit!
THE SOUR NOTE
By Sally Franz
We've all found them.
The note to a secret lover confessing undying passion; the bill for a dinner you never ate; the ticket stub to a movie you've never seen; the e-mail in the recycle bin. Or if your ex-is REALLY stupid - the bikini briefs under the bed; your spouse's new jewelry; sun glasses under the car seat; perfume on the clothes; condoms in the drawers; cell phone calls quickly ended. " Is this my life, you ask?"
Whenever you find them -- they cut off your oxygen supply and suddenly all the pieces from the last six months or six years fit together. And you're staring at the jigsaw puzzle of purgatory. After you catch your breath there is the confrontation merging into IMMEDIATE DENIAL.
OK, let's put the denials into some categories for easy identification:
The Woody Allen- She was so young and beautiful; she thinks I am the wisest man alive. She makes me laugh. She makes me happy. All I wanted to do is spend some time with her. She was like a daughter to me- oops she was my daughter.
The Patty Hearst- I didn't mean for it to happen. I wasn't looking for trouble. It was beyond my control. (That's right; you were handcuffed, dragged out against your will and then they put a Uzi in your hand and you shot a hole through my heart. And you are VERY sorry.)
The Bill Clinton - I have done no wrong. I did not cheat on you. I have been virtually monogamous. And remember, in some cultures carousing is a sign of friendship and respect for the marriage.
The Henry Kissinger- This is your fault. All I wanted is peace, but you had to go snooping around. If you hadn't gone through my pockets in the laundry room, emptied the garbage, cleaned out the car, everything would be fine. But no, you had to go stir up trouble.
The Houdini - You're hallucinating, it's an illusion. This isn't what you think it is. You have no real proof. I can't tell you what happened; my hands are tied. It is all just a figment of your imagination. Didn't I buy you diamonds for Christmas? Doesn't it appear to everyone that I am faithful?
Okay, you've heard the excuses. Now what do you do?
You believe them (In which case I have some property to sell you at
the bottom of Lake Mead)
before despair strikes remember this
Sally at: email@example.com
THE NATIONAL DIVORCE AVERAGE
The national divorce average is 55%; mine is 127%! Hereís the math: There were 15 men, of marrying age who wanted to marry me and a total of 19 ex-wives, including me. Two, avoiding marriage altogether, helped keep the average down from 140%. †
I was the first in my family to divorce but the idea looked so appealing to my mother that she followed right behind me. In the Ď60ís, my friendsí mothers jumped into mini skirts and smoked grass along with their daughters but not my mother. She was the picture of dignity in knee-grazing grace, but give her an idea with legs, the divorce, and she was IN!
She was going through her rebellious stage; her second adolescence. Attending a family party with 40 married couples and me; there were few who had ever even seen a divorce at close range. This was the post war crowd, circa 1948. My mother decided to announce her intentions to the horrified crowd. Disbelief lasted so long we needed translators. In fact, the result was like the Jamestown kool aid treat; suddenly everyone was very, very quiet.
one day I was on top of the world and on top of the wedding cake and
next thing I know, Iím 20 pounds thinner and sitting in family court.
And I canít figure out how any of it happened; not the good and not
the bad. How about you? Did you have a Plan B? Ever wondered what would
have happened if youíd picked the other guys?†
DIRTY DIVORCE; IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU
Can you imagine a divorce so agonizing that you miss your miserable marriage? Then study our dirty divorce dictionary and be prepared for the worst. Once you've entered the legal system there's only one way out; when the vivisection* is complete and the divorce decree smacks you in the face. But don't worry, you won't even notice because by then, you'll be totally numb.
Dirty Divorce Dictionary
Or is this about SOMEONE ELSE'S divorce?
Watch out!!!! Tomorrow could be your day!
So read our survival guide before you get too close to that cliff. Stay away from the edge and no leaping or pushing PLEASE!
it COULD happen to YOU!
in Merriam-Webster's Online Collegiate Dictionary is described
THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
ABOVE: an artists conception of how men will someday picture their spouses while signing a pre-nuptial agreement
by Sean Crespo
The Federal Bureau of Statistical Analysis released some alarming figures on females the other day.
Thank you. Try the veal! Shes a big gal but dont let the tusks scare you!
But really folks, down to the serious business of informing my public about properly managing their post-divorce eating habits.
The bureau announced that by the year 2010, there would be more newly single, divorced women living in America than could possibly be absorbed by the single male populationeven including the married men who happen to have removed their wedding bands for the eveningFOR POLISHING OF COURSE!
You would think men would be overjoyed by the prospect of being surrounded by millions of lonely, emotionally unstable (well, at least more so than usual) women, possibly even fantasizing about an impromptu nation-wide, pillow fight that would take place on the nations front lawn whenwoops!the sprinklers happen to go off!
EXT: Lawn. Night.
MUSIC: Louie Louie blares.
Girls screaming everywhere, as nipples begin to appear from under wet shirts.
HEAD FRAT BOY
Sorry ladies, but Dr. Love says those wet t-shirts will just have to come off before you get all sicky-wicky. Dr. Fingers, could you assist Dr. Roaming Hands and Dr. Randy-as-the-goat-footed-Pan in removing these soggy garments?
Hell, the average conversation a man dreams of having with a woman goes something like this:
MAN: Hello. Sex?
MAN: Then lets go!
So, to avoid this dementia, which will inevitably set in, I propose that we follow in the footsteps of a much older and wiser culture than our own. I speak of course of the Kuru Tribe of Papua, New Guinea.
A race of such earth friendly people, they have even gone to the extreme of recycling their friends and relatives by the only means available the outdoor barbeque.
Im sure a nice garnishing helps too.
While they have the patience to wait until these people are dead, I suggest, men, that we take it one step further. Lets ease the pain of losing our loved ones, our wives past, by doing the only humane thing possible. Lets put us out of our misery. And lets
Eat our ex-wives.
Theyll thank you in the morning. (clever wink)
It worked for me. I was so hungry and so thorough, the police didnt have enough evidence to convict. AND I got to be in several newspapers. I was the talk of the town.
So grab a bib, some chloroform, and a fork. Youre on Diners Club time now, baby.
Discontinue this practice, however, if you find yourself complaining the next day that it all went to your thighs, you big girl.
Sean Crespo is the youngest editor to write for the www.nationallampoon.com where he was the primary creator of GUNNERVILLE ON-LINE HIGH SCHOOL YEAR BOOK, which one critic referred to as "grossly indecent, inappropriate, and possibly even evil."
The State Of A Union
by Deborah Goodwin
If you've recently found yourself holding onto your estranged wife's leg, as she races out the door, screaming, "You're finished you bastard!", you may consider Lincoln's advice.
Divorce can be like diplomacy, it becomes all about doing the nastiest things in the nicest ways. Which is where divorce terminology shines. Think about "amicable" defined as friendly and peaceable alongside the term "divorce"; separation, severance, dissolution. Say you ask your friend how married life is treating him and he says "well, we're planning to split, sever and dissolve our life together...but real friendly-like."
Here are two other runaway terms. First we have "custody", awarded to the fittest parent, which doesn't mean the parent found at the gym most often, although this has been know to confuse some Californians. And we have "settlement," the adjustment of an account dispute which is clear, except to the elephant on the losing end.
You don't need to be Lincoln to remember an elephant never forgets.
Deborah Goodwin moved from Canada to California where she was briefly swept off her feet into matrimony, which is LA adjacent.
recalls her mother's advice at the time "you don't have to
Now, single and on foot, Goodwin writes features, articles and yes, movies! She also produces a cable series on Independent Film for the Santa Monica International Film Festival.
Deborah at: firstname.lastname@example.org
I Had A Dream
Upon hearing the news there was a deafening stampede. The few who stood by me began to blither uncontrollably. I called it "Murder by Hallmark".
"This is the first day of the rest of your life!" (Translation: now you'll have to start dating again, you pathetic loser.)
"You're strong, you can do it!" (You're not sleeping on my couch again and crying all night.)
"It's a big world out there, go get 'em tiger" (Stay away from my husband or I'll kill you!
"I never liked him anyway!" (Now you tell me.)
my personal fav-
liked being married. Okay I complained a lot. So what?
Can our friends understand that? Dream on!
Sally Franz, author of "Monster Lies", " I love you when ...", "The Baby Boomers Guide to Menopause" and the six series of "The Baby Boomer Mini-Field Guides" is at it again. Of her career she recently commented, "I call my genre, "chic rude" . . .and to think my third grade teacher Mrs. Meanowitz said I would never make a living drawing insulting cartoons and writing sarcastic notes!"
Contact Sally at: email@example.com
JOKES SUBMITTED BY OUR DIRTY DIVORCE®MEMBERS
NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM
Atomic Weight: (150 TO 350)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO (WOMANIUM) any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO (WOMANIUM), this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.