ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

WHAT MAKES A NEW YEAR “NEW”?

 What is it about The New Year that triggers an overwhelming desire for change? Is it the word “new” or is it our unending desire for wish fulfillment, postponed over the year but never alleviated or satisfied? Spiritual masters often speak about the gap in wanting; the slice of time between having our last wish fulfilled and the time we come up with our next one. Sometimes the gap in wanting is wide and we experience satisfaction and peace with a new relationship, job; home or baby. But sometimes within days of achieving our dream, we feel worried because new desires and needs begin to flood our conscious mind. Why does this holiday create havoc with so many relationships; is it because a new year reawakens our yearning for a fresh start? Even when a spouse is mature, responsible, committed, what is it about the New Year that makes so many cry, “divorce!”?

 “I played Santa Clause many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.” Groucho Marx

Dear Divorce Coach,

I'm feel like I'm working through your 7 STAGES in anticipation of a divorce but my husband seems stuck in Denial and Rage stage. How should I handle this?

Sincerely,

Stage-ing


Dear Stage-ing,

Our new video, "Overcoming the 7 Stages of Trauma including Divorce" will allow him to check in with his feelings. Instead of spending your time hoping to have a conversation with him, you will be able to move to needs and then strategies very quickly. We find that with a video, the understanding arises very quickly in the spouse who is not “caught up” with the other.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

My wife and I are separated now for three months. I fly for a living for the airlines. My days off are largely spent watching my son while she works. I recently had four days off and told her I was going to take them for myself. She says I have no interest in my son now, that's not fair! Is it ok for me to take time for myself every once in a while?

Sincerely,

Eight hour dad



Dear Eight,

I am guessing that your wife feels angry due to the separation and that this was her way of venting that anger. Naturally, you need to rest and rejuvenate and a separation can create a great deal of additional anxiety and exhaustion. In order to create more peace and understanding, would you consider creating free time so that your wife can relax while you watch your child or find a third party to help? I am also guessing that you may enjoy learning new skills in listening and responding to one another although my research shows that it takes only one partner to transform any kind of relationship, even a separation.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I was divorced on 7/28/03 and ordered to pay alimony and child support each week for 1 minor child. I am currently totally disabled and receive workers comp from the federal govt. With the amount I have to pay weekly for child support and alimony, with what I have left over to live on is leaving me with a large deficit each month and I borrow money from a friend to get by and pay my bills. Can I go back into court with documented income and expenses and show my deficit and ask that child support and/or alimony be decreased as I am not able to live each month with the money I have left to me without borrowing from a friend? Thanks for your assistance.

Sincerely yours,

Court-ing Disaster

Dear Court-ing,

You certainly can return to court; that is very common. However, I would urge you to visit a divorce financial planner to have your case organized for you so that you can learn about appropriate precedents. If you have this work done by a financial expert, it is more effective and less costly. Then you may decide on an attorney to represent you in court. Be sure to ask each professional you consult for local legal precedents in similar cases!

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com