Tolucan Times November 20, 2003
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Divorce Remorse!

If you notice that it's work and children first, and your love life missed the life boats, are you stunned finding yourself are alone with your children? If you life now is based on your need for privacy and peace, are you surprised that she has full custody of the children? If your priorities, now, are work and fun; are you shocked by your history of short affairs? When we understand our needs and the priorities we ourselves place upon having those needs met, we can truly chart our domestic existence. Isn't it more peaceful to see where you're headed than to slam against a cement wall of your own planning?

Have you checked your Mode of Operation? Whether you consider your modus operandi or SEND AND RECEIVE MODE of email and fax transmissions, what is your preference and your partners? Are you tired of sending all the time and feel that you're ready to receive for a while? Have you informed your partner of this change in mode? Is your partner willing?

When you change life plans or goals and alter your strategies, do you consult your partner or do you assume agreement? Do you offer your children the same respect and autonomy? What thoughts do you have about family members who have different preferences from yours? Do you respond with criticism? Do you feel defensive? Are your thoughts contemptuous? Do you withdraw? When you understand these options based on Herrmann Brain Dominance™ you are on the way to spending a peaceful holiday time with your family and friends.

Dear Divorce Coach,

My divorce has been final for 6 months. My ex may be living with someone. It is stated in our divorce decree that she can't live with, or marry someone or the alimony payments stop. If I send a registered letter to her house but address to her boyfriend and it is signed for does that establish residence?


Private Eye-ing

Dear Private,

This response from Randi Vladimer, Esq., consultant and Divorce Forum™ family attorney. “The acceptance of a registered letter in and of itself, does not necessarily constitute "cohabitation." I would suggest that the person hire an investigator to go to the house on several different days very early in the morning and very late at night and take pictures of the person's car in the driveway. Another indication would be if the "boyfriend" had changed his address to that residence. A Freedom of Information Act request to the U.S. Post Office can give you that information. In addition, try calling his old telephone number and see whether it has been forwarded to the ex-wife's telephone number. These are among the factors that a court would look at to determine whether the "ex-wife" was cohabitating in order to cease the payment of alimony.”

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan


CLIENT: “ Thank you so much for your advice...really need it right now, would love to take you up on the phone coaching session, you seem to have a good grasp on both aspects of my situation. Thank you again for your time, and input...I definitely appreciate it. SS

Dear Divorce Coach,

I wish I would have known about your web site a year ago. After nine and a half years my ex-husband left my two children and I exactly eight months ago today.

He filed for divorce before he left and without even talking to us about it. Our divorce was final in September. I found out that he became involved with someone else. As I sit and think about our marriage we never went out or spent any time alone together. As soon as we started a family we ignored us. I know now that if I ever re-marry I will pay more attention to our relationship as a couple.


Attention Deficit Disorder

Dear Attention,

The strategy you have described is very, very common. Often the biggest question is to select a partner who meets your needs and vice versa. Often one partner's priority of parenting and family does not meet the other's need for fun and recreation or even work and crisis management. When each continues to communicate with compassion solutions are met. I look forward to hearing about your next relationship and to offer support so that both of your needs are met!

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

In Hollywood marriages or divorces, money and passion often appear to be at odds, creating enemies of lovers. What happens when your needs change? When you find someone you believe may meet more of your needs than your current partner, is your preference for secrecy; is your preference for honesty? Do you realize the cost of each and consider all your options? Often one partner's need for emotional safety will prompt the choice of secrecy in a secondary relationship. Sometimes the same need to maintain the marriage will determine the opposite choice. Do you know yourself and do you know your spouse? If you have not considered this question, are you prepared for the outcome? When finance is a primary consideration, is divorce as appealing? If peace and intimacy are the key need, what would you do?


For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact



Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™