Tolucan Times November 13, 2003
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 Which is your favorite holiday and why? Do you prefer the Halloween fantasy; the Thanksgiving family and food day or Christmas with religion and spirit? What is your partner's preference? Each year, couples break-up or weather difficult times as the holidays approach. How can you avoid these stressful months? Can you imagine the response of your spouse to the holidays?

A. Analyzer thinks; “Can our finances survive the holidays?”

B. Planner thinks: “Who's going to do all this work?”

C. Emotional thinks: “Let's share this family time and thank God for it!”

D. Visionary thinks, “Let's decorate and have some fun!”

“Each year, thousands of men drop their girlfriends between Halloween and Thanksgiving so that they can avoid the warm and fuzzy love stuff that they've been running away from all year.” Krissy Boeche

What happens when one considers only the cost while the other desperately longs for a party? What can you do if you're the Midnight Mass type and your spouse's thinking is “Strictly Santa? What if you're married to someone you consider a “big baby” and you feel as if you do all the work? How can you endure another holiday season?

When you consider your own needs and your spouse's do you see conflict or compromise? When you picture Thanksgiving do you think, “Ouch” or want out?

Sometimes, your only desire may be for peace; does your version include your family or not? Often, the holiday season intensifies problems that have been pending for a long time. Would a separation or a divorce really improve your life? Are you sure?

When divorcing couples seek financial security, the strain of two households can trigger PANIC, AGONY and RAGE, within The 7 Stages of Divorce. For families with children, separation and shared custody may create emotional havoc. When a spouse has become accustomed to shared responsibilities and benefits, juggling everything with only one pair of hands, will require learning circus skills. Therefore, even when married couples feel desperate, learning new communication skills are often easier than divorce.


Dear Divorce Coach,

What is the best way to tell the spouse you want a divorce and he takes you seriously and leaves? Do you present the divorce papers at once? Do you leave and than give the divorce papers to someone else to give? Do I get an apartment first and than serve the papers? Please let me know.


In or Out

Dear In,

I teach Nonviolent Communication so that these conversations do not end in rage or panic or grief for either partner. If you would enjoy a free phone session let me know. Otherwise, the answer depends completely on the emotional make-up of you and your partner. If there are children or property; I urge you to consult a divorce financial planner and mediator or attorney BEFORE you leave. If possible, a legal separation agreement will help a lot, too! When I read, your desire to have him leave and your question about getting an apartment yourself, again, knowing your probable financial outcome will provide peace for you.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan


Dear Divorce Coach,

Thanks for all the insight. My husband has been gone living with his girlfriend for a year. We have three children 20 18 16 all living with me. Things are not going well he has been brutal in his attempts to cut us off from $ etc. We have a trial date in 6 wks for permanent amt of child and spousal support. Mortgages and car payments have not been paid in months. His other woman has to appear in court with him and provide her financial disclosure as well. I fear the emotional damage this will do to me even if I can still my rage. I need some insight into rethinking having to see the two of them together let alone that they are making us live like paupers while they drive new vehicles and take vacations.... sorry rage coming forth. Thanks anything will be helpful.


Rant and Don't Rage?


Dear Rant,

Some of my clients discover they have created a fictitious story about the spouse's new relationship. For others, trouble facing and accepting what is happening is the difficulty. I offer phone trainings using numerous techniques in which you will be able to see the moment you, yourself, moved away from your marriage and wanted to move forward alone. Although you are facing numerous financial and emotional challenges now, you will probably be able to see the peace of separation has it's own benefits.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan  

If your concern is financial, divorce is usually more costly than learning the dance called, “give and take”. If you enjoy sharing the work, a divorce will mean a permanent separation of labor forces. If your interest is in emotional contact, your needs will probably not be met through divorce unless you create a new life with enduring intimacy. And if you are a visionary, a divorce will postpone all plans for the future until you deal with the “Big D”. When you understand this, can you see why our “How to Avoid Divorce Training” may be for you?

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact



Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™