Tolucan Times November 7, 2002
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ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
WHO SURVIVES DIVORCE AND WHY?
For many after divorce, LOVE = PAIN. Until that has been healed, you will do anything and everything to defeat love. The first step in divorce is survival; after that has begun, it is time to immediately begin the work of healing.
In order to reach THE 7th STAGE OF DIVORCE, PEACE, we must SURVIVE. For some, divorce is a life saver, for some, we are drowning; where are you? How can divorce coaching move you from Panic to Peace?
When we marry, we hope that it will last forever but for most of us, that is not a reality. The average length of marriage in The United States is only seven years. The percentage of the population affected by divorce is approaching 100% because wherever we look; in our families; in our offices; among our friends we see the results of the unresolved suffering of divorce. Sometimes the pain is financial where the loss of income renders more than half of all divorces homeless, a word even more frightening to us than the word, "divorce". In each case of divorce, there is a deep emotional scar that must be healed before another relationship can thrive.
FREE SNEAK PREVIEWS November 1st, 15th from 6 p.m.- 7:30 p.m. The Divorce Forum November 17th 10 a.m.- 2 p.m. The Cost is $50 at Quest 1455 19th Street Santa Monica. Reservations 818-314-1200; 805-695-8405 firstname.lastname@example.org LA's 7 top divorce experts TELL ALL; legal, finance, parenting, health and more!
Dear Divorce Coach©,
When I married, I was looking for a job and my then boyfriend told me not to worry. We decided to have a child who is now 4 years old. My husband said not to worry about money. Now he's leaving us and I'm in a panic. Can you help me?
I feel grateful that you are seeing the financial reality that faces many women. First you must see the truth and then you will find the solution. Before marriage, many women are in financial difficulty and marriage looks like a viable solution. After they have children, their financial situation becomes far worse. Statistics show that for many women, marriage and motherhood drags them below the poverty line. Without knowing the details of your finances, the duration of marriage etc. I advise you to proceed with legal support to receive the court awarded support your story dictates.
Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©
When my wife left, I thought it was the best thing for me. I thought I would be just fine. But every month that has passed, I feel worse. Every time I look at our daughter, I think of my wife and I feel angry and hurt. What can I do?
Often, RAGE and DENIAL carries one spouse out the door. On the other side, we awaken to the other feelings; AGONY, PANIC. I urge you to consider divorce coaching using "Nonviolent Communication" so that you discover your own needs that were not met during your marriage. Then you will have a starting place. Sometimes, you will discover that your wife can meet these needs and you will discuss reconciliation, sometimes you understand that she cannot.
Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©
If you are in love and you want to avoid divorce, are you willing to love him or her unconditionally? Many couples believe they are committed to the family but in the process of coaching, they discover that they are unwilling to compromise. When they investigate their needs, couples may reconnect to their deep love for one another and for their children. In this opening, there begins to be the possibility for reconnection without depression, control and rage. At this point, even if divorce cannot be avoided, both spouses respond to one another with humanity.
Conflict occurs between wanting to "stay married" and wanting the "spouse to change". SECRET V of The Divorce Forum is, "Stand in your Pain". The route to a peaceful life and to avoid divorce is through all the emotions, until you reach the 7th STAGE of LIFE©, PEACE. The Divorce Forum instructs that the swiftest path through emotions is to have all the feelings that contribute to the pain. When you have learned to stand in your pain, and breathe into the pain you will discover the most amazing miracle; the pain disappears!
For all of us, the greatest need is to love and to be loved in return within a peaceful relationship. Once we experience this 7 STAGE process, we learn who we are. We can offer that to someone. If we can fulfill our partners' needs, we will. If our partner can fulfill our needs he or she may. When we do this, life is wonderful for each of us. When we don't, there may be pain. We can process through our own emotions; we may feel PANIC without abandoning the relationship; we may feel AGONY without using guilt on one another; we may feel RAGE without resorting to betrayal. We will be willing to NEGOTIATE with each other and when we are at PEACE, we will enjoy it together.
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum