Tolucan Times November 6, 2002
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Before you move through THE 7th STAGE OF DIVORCE to reach the final stage, PEACE, there are 7 secrets that you may wish to practice every day.

"Divorce is both an end and a beginning because after a divorce you will be a different person." Frank Zizzo, Ph.D.

Surrender to the divorce process.
Expect the unexpected.

Dear Divorce Coach©,

I was very worried about my divorce last week but now everything seems to be going smoothly. Since I spoke to you, my wife has agreed to give me part of her 401k that she earned during the marriage. She has also agreed to give me half of any profit that she earns when she sells our home. I just wanted to tell you that everything is going well and thank you.


Happy Almost-Ex

Dear Happy,

While I feel grateful for your praise, I feel very worried that all is not as it seems. In the first SECRET to divorce, we must always "expect the unexpected". During our conversation, I asked you a few questions for which you had no answer. One was, "in your wife's high profile job, are you sure that she was not earning large sums of cash in addition to her salary?" I feel concerned that her sudden desire to settle is based on many unanswered questions about her than on her sudden goodwill. While I am not advocating that you battle with her, I do not believe that it is useful for you to rest in the 2nd STAGE, DENIAL. Please take a little time to do the research we discussed and consult with an attorney or mediator before you settle. In settlement negotiations, I always advocate a cooling off period so that you see if you can really live with your agreement and are not just responding from the emotions of STAGE 1, PANIC.

Sincerely yours,

Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Please read, 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, at

Dear Divorce Coach©,

My attorney advised me not to remove any money from our joint business checking account during the separation but now my husband has cleaned me out. What can I do?


Dollar Desperate

Dear Desperate,

I am guessing that it is the shock in addition to the lost cash that has disturbed you. Your attorney may have been considering your best interests in avoiding more legal costs in fighting for a small win. If there were a few thousand dollars in the account, going to court would cost more than the balance you had. It is appropriate for an attorney to discuss all these options with you; if that did not happen, I suggest you specify in writing to him or her that you request a discussion of all your options for any future issue. However, you must also realize that these lengthier conversations will be more costly for you.


Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

Dear Divorce Coach©,

We have only been separated for a week and I have learned from a friend that my husband has a girlfriend. I feel enraged by his betrayal. How can I deal with this pain?


Dear Electro,

The 3rd STAGE of DIVORCE is AGONY. Often we cannot be sure if the divorce was a result of the spouse's affair or if the second the spouse is gone, he connected with the first person available. The option for the suffering partner is to begin to investigate the stories that you tell yourself and to find PEACE through inquiry. In The Work of Byron Katie, she asks, "Who would you be without your story?" I encourage you to visit to begin to learn the process of
asking the 4 Questions and doing the " turn-around". It has been my experience in every case, that the spouse who feels abandoned had also wanted to leave the marriage. When we refocus our energies and begin to heal, facing this truth is the most important discovery we can make.


Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©


Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™