ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

HOW TO AVOID DIVORCE PART III

 How can you prevent “Thanksgiving Torture” and “Family Frustration” from ending in divorce? Since the holidays may strain good relationships, family events can become traumatic for couples that have unresolved issues. How can you prevent this added stress from leading to separation or divorce? How will you get through the holiday season intact and on track for a Happy New Year?

If you don't want to become a statistic, are you willing to learn new and more successful strategies to communicate with your spouse? Are you thinking it's too early to worry about all this? Are you hoping that it will be different this year? It's already pumpkin season; NOW is the time to begin to acquire new skills.

“How To Avoid Divorce Training”© allows you to honestly investigate which unresolved issues stand between you and your partner. You will consider all your options including the benefits of reconciliation or divorce. During the 12 session telephone coaching, couples or individual spouses investigate in which category they belong:

I've been married for 5 years. I love him with all my heart. He says he loves me, however we never do anything together that is not a mom and dad thing; we have no personal relationship. I can't live like that. I've tried talking to him and all I hear is that he is too busy with school and work and that we don't have money to go out.  When is enough, enough?

Signed,

All-most Lost

Dear Lost,

Your letter suggests that your husband's primary need may be to support the children and your family financially. When I read that he is busy with school and work and parenting, I imagine he is also feeling exhausted. I offer a 1 hour free phone consultation if you wish to learn new skills that may allow you to reconnect with your husband. First you will learn to move past your own feelings of hurt and anger so that you can listen to him. Once you begin to see his needs and the underlying cause of his distance, you will learn how to express yourself with non-combative language. He will not need to do ANYTHING; it only requires one partner to transform the marriage with these trainings. There are many strategies that I can suggest that may allow both of you to have lal your needs met.

Sincerely yours,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan  

CLIENT: “Thank you for bringing all of your brilliance to bear on my situation, I got the perspective I needed. You were so detailed!” PB

Dear Divorce Coach,

We have been married for just over 9 years now and it has not easy.  I share most of the fault; I lied to him, mostly about money.  This time he says he has finally come to the point where "It's over" and he is being nice so I won't freak out on him and go crazy (e.g. take him to the cleaners). I do not want the divorce.  We have two small children and he says he wants to make this easier for them and wants us to break easy.  I have told him that I am going to work on being who he wants me to me but he says I can try but his mind is made up. What can I do?  I DON'T WANT THE DIVORCE!

Signed. 

Second Chance

Dear Second Chance,

Your letter suggests that trust has been lost between you and your husband. You also state that his need for financial security is not being met and that he feels hopeless that this will change. When I work with couples during my free one hour phone consultation, both begin to see their own needs and their partner's needs. Once both have heard the other, a shift occurs and new strategies are found.

Sincerely,

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

If you begin now, you can discover new language that will allow you to avoid "December Depression Divorce" once and for all! Often, couples argue about money during the holidays because one's need is for financial security while the other focuses on family celebration. If one partner is unwilling to consider the other due to a primary need for freedom of choice or if one is unwilling to negotiate and to consider both partner's needs, December may lead to divorce. If you and your spouse have children, you may discover these options: negotiate now during marriage or negotiate later with your mediator or attorneys. Which would you prefer?

Often a couple believes that divorce is the solution to one's need for financial peace. Would you prefer to maintain two homes, and the cost of two attorneys or would you enjoy learning reconciliation skills? Would you prefer to discuss sharing custody of your children or to learn how to reconnect to the love you once had for each other; only you can decide.

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com