Tolucan Times - September 19, 2002
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ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
Learn from The Divorce Experts: Susan Allan; Mark Patt, Esq., Managing Partner of Trope and Trope; Deanie Kramer, Mediator for “Divorce Court TV” and founder of Divorce Resource; Michael Krycler, C.P.A., Founder of Krycler, Ervin, Schreiber & Walheim; Sally Franz, Youth Minister & author; William Stierle, President Corporate Culture Development; Rev. Bernard Goodman, Psychic healer & author
THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE© are PANIC, DENIAL, AGONY, RAGE, EPIPHANY, NEGOTIATION AND PEACE
STAGE IV RAGE
RAGE is violent and uncontrolled anger. It may be the human reaction to traumatic events but we must learn to process our anger responsibly and completely in order to reach PEACE.
“While feelings of RAGE towards one's spouse are often part of the divorce process, such feelings need to be curbed or held in check in the legal proceedings…Expressions of rage…as part of the legal proceeding are counterproductive and can often lead to adverse consequences." Mark Patt, Esq. Managing partner of Trope and Trope
Today, you would be willing to speak on your husband’s behalf; at his funeral. When you think of your wife, you see her choking on the money you are being forced to pay her and both your lawyers. You have zero tolerance; you’re in a hostile takeover. Remember that RAGE will hurt you more than your spouse. A violent temper is the first step to a violent death; yours not your victim’s. Some days you feel that you would rather kill than be killed. There are so many conflicting feelings which reflect our contradictory needs during RAGE. Your friends will insist that you maintain sanity but when you are blinded by RAGE, how will you remember self-control? When you are in the belly of the beast, up to your eyeballs in the physical attachment we feel, how can we handle these emotions without doing anything crazy? One of you plans the no-fault divorce; the other schedules a near-death experience. This is all perfectly normal; it’s called divorce!
Please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Divorce Coach©,
My daughter is married to a man who has tantrums. He is a good provider but he has a temper and he screams. She loves him but I worry about her safety. What are her rights?
Mother and Law,
The laws for spousal abuse in California have changed radically since the death of Nicole Brown Simpson. You don’t mention physical threats or injury but your daughter should know that a call to 911 has become a serious commitment to prosecution as it never was before. Arrests now result in a high percentage of convictions. I would urge her to seek couples therapy and rage management training for her husband.
The Divorce Coach©
I discovered an erotic love letter to my wife and confronted her. She began to yell and to punch me. She threatened to kill me; to leave and to take our child. I have never seen her like this. If I push her, she’ll leave but if I don’t, she’ll continue the affair. And maybe she’ll leave anyway. And I can’t have her raging in front of our daughter.
You may wish you could control your wife. However, with the exception of Restraining Orders and police intervention, your power lies in speaking calmly and compassionately with her. The techniques of nonviolent communication available in our seminars will teach you the basics. When you learn how to listen to her needs and to tell her your own, the possibility of compromise appears. I encourage you to discuss these issues when you are alone with your wife and your daughter is elsewhere.
The Divorce Coach©
Often, the spouse will accept a settlement so that large sums are not expended on attorneys. There is a very sensitive touch required here because if you seem too soft, she may feel powerful and want to wait for court. On the other hand if you make it clear that you just don’t have more than you’re offering and that she can’t get “blood from a stone” etc., you may triumph. I am guessing that you didn’t have your wife sign a loan document or make you a partner in her business etc. before freeing the money for her start-up. If you are not satisfied that your attorney is right for the job and if you don’t think that you will succeed with this conversation yourself, use our free referral service at www.thedivorceforum.com . It is most likely that only a highly skilled attorney or mediator will succeed in improving your financial situation through a settlement.
The Divorce Coach©
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum