Tolucan Times - September 11, 2002
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AGONY is the normal grieving process that we experience. We must allow ourselves to process through all of our pain, using the support that we may need.

When you entered your marriage, it was to love someone else. When you leave, it is to love yourself. The degree to which you are willing to reconnect with yourself will measure the ease or pain of your transition. Between these, you will discover who you were, who you are and the space in between.

“AGONY is part of the process of waking up to your reality and your pain. It is that moment when you let go of DENIAL, before you understand that your pain cannot destroy you. This is because your pain is not you.” Frank Zizzo, Ph.D. for The Divorce Forum®

The Holmes Schedule of Stressful Events places divorce as the #2 Most Stressful Event because there can be so many devastating components in divorce. We may lose not only our spouse but also our home, children, pets, business and friends. The AGONY that we feel is normal; it is our ability to feel it, move through it and heal from it that defines those of us who move on to healthy relationships after divorce. For the others who stay in the inferno, there is always tomorrow when we will be ready to begin the process.

Dear Divorce Coach©,

I cannot stay in my marriage! But if I walk out on my family, what will my legal position be?


Ready to walk

Dear Ready,

It is always advisable to sign a separation agreement before leaving, for practical as well as legal reasons. If your divorce becomes adversarial, you may be accused of financial abandonment or of stealing family property. Sudden separations often lead to expensive legal fees due to one spouse’s PANIC, AGONY or RAGE. Plan a vacation or a business trip to ease the pressure until the separation agreement is completed.

Dear Divorce Coach©,

How can my husband have changed from loving me to hating me? I know he’s seeing someone but I love him and don’t want a divorce. What can I do?


Home alone

Dear Home,

When we have conflicting needs, it causes AGONY. I’m guessing that marriage fulfills some of your husband’s needs and that is why he has not asked for a divorce. However, if he is dating, some of his needs are not being met in the marriage. Infidelity is often caused by RAGE and not by sexual needs. When my clients learn to discuss their needs with each other, calmly and responsibly, RAGE, PANIC and AGONY often disappear and solutions are found. Then the behaviors that cause the AGONY may begin to disappear naturally.


Susan Allan, The Divorce Coach©

The courage to feel the AGONY each and every time that grief or sadness or pain sweeps through you is the pivotal experience of healing.

Once hurt, will you prefer to face the pain and get to the other side or to avoid it? Allow yourself to slowly and consistently feel your AGONY. Use tears, exercise, therapy, meditation, coaching, diet, holistic treatments, music, dancing and yoga to travel towards PEACE. Each journey is an individual one but it is the Hero’s Journey and you will be saving your own life.

If you are a parent, it may be the emergency situation of your divorce that motivates you to be healed. Often, during divorce, we can’t look at our children without thinking of our spouse and the AGONY. When you learn to feel the deep AGONY, to let it in and then let it out; it will evaporate, one drop at a time. Then you will be able to reconnect with your children, to love and support them as they move through their own emotions. As you continue to be gentle and loving with yourself, you will learn new ways to reach out to your children and to help them heal.

FREE Divorce Forum® PREVIEWS: October 4th, October 18th, November 1st & November 15th 6– 7:30 p.m. at Quest in Santa Monica at 1455 19th Street

THE DIVORCE FORUM SEMINAR November 17th 10 a.m. – 2 p.m.
For Reservations please call 818-314-1200

Including The Divorce Forum® Experts: Susan Allan, Founder, The Divorce Forum®; Mark Patt, Esq., Managing Partner of Trope and Trope; Deanie Kramer, Mediator for “Divorce Court TV”; Dr. Patricia Fitzgerald, Holistic physician & author; Michael Krycler, C.P.A.; Sally Franz, Youth minister & author; William Stierle, Corporate Culture Development; Rev. Bernard Goodman, Psychic healer & author

Please visit for THE 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE© and for excerpts from our booklet, 101 DIVORCE SECRETS; A SURVIVAL GUIDE

Please send your questions to
We will reply to you in addition to printing selected questions



Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™