Tolucan Times March 25, 2004
Serving the communities of: Toluca Lake - Magnolia Park - Burbank - Media District - Universal City - Encino - Valley Village - North Hollywood - Hollywood Hills - Larchmont District - Studio City - Sherman Oaks - Glendale
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
For one hour free relationship coaching, firstname.lastname@example.org
COVERT, OVERT, DIVERT!
client has recently discovered that his ability to “create” miracles
is exactly as I had promised. Now he understands it is helpful to “be
careful what you wish for”. When he began divorce coaching he felt grief
because his need for companionship and intimacy were not being met as
a result of the divorce. At first, he believed that reconnection with
his wife would provide peace and joy, and yet….. When we are clear that
our partner's behaviors do not meet our needs for peace what are the
options? One option is to love unconditionally, to accept your partner
exactly as is, not “as advertised”. This frees your partner from “covert
behavior” and allows your relationship to transform immediately. Another
client is triggered by her husband providing information that is not
truthful. When she understood that her response to the truth has been
punitive, critical, angry or grieving and that her husband's need for
peace isn't met during these conversations, she saw a new reason to think,
speak and demonstrate acceptance. Whether you refuse to accept your partner's
behaviors and deal with covert actions or let go of resistance and enjoy
the truthful overt behaviors is up to you. However, what can you do to
change your partner into a different person? Did you really ask that?
“Thank you so much for your advice...really need it right now, would love to take you up on the phone coaching session, you seem to have a good grasp on both aspects of my situation. Thank you again for your time, and input...I definitely appreciate it.” S Samson Abilene Texas
Dear Divorce Coach,
It's amazing; she's called me twice since I've learned Self-empathy and Empathy! I don't take the calls. She's left sweet messages thanking me for being so kind. I can't trust her. She's still not 'getting help for her issues. Thank you for showing me the dance steps
You may feel amazed that your new internal acceptance caused your ex-wife to reconnect. That may be the quality that she most enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship. When we wish companionship, consider your partner's need and if you can offer that, it's a match. If you cannot, be truthful and empathetic because as you know, covert doesn't work for anyone.
Ask The Divorce Coach,
While I was in the hospital in December, 2003, my ex-husband sued me for divorce. Because I was sick and unable to defend myself or go to court the judge awarded my ex with EVERYTHING. My ex cheated on me through the duration of our marriage and I have proof. I would like to file a motion for reconsider, but I can't find a lawyer that will even touch the case. Because of my illness I am unable to work. The doctors can verify this. Help!
When attorneys are unwilling to represent you, you may be fortunate. The money to fight a case that is hopeless would be a double blow to your finances and possibly to your health as well. Unless you can provide evidence that justifies reopening the case, it is best to accept what you couldn't see in advance of the marriage and to reflect on the growth that may have occurred as you now see the truth. It is not as comforting as recouping the time or the money, but you have seen the truth and your entire future will reflect new choices. First, you may need to forgive yourself and find self-acceptance.
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum