ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

For one hour free relationship coaching, susanallan@thedivorceforum.com

ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

HOW TO VIE FOR A GUY

 Women may be divided into a few categories after puberty: available or not; thrilled or NOT! The common question for most of them, in every age group is still the same: when you want more attention from a man, what can you and can't you do? You may be thinking, “What should I do?” or “What would I do?” But that is exactly the wrong inquiry. If you are ready to transform your social life; here is the BEST question to ask yourself: “What would he enjoy?”

There are as many answers to that question as there are partners. Some men love an assertive woman who calls and invites them while other men find that “pushy”! Some guys love the chase yet enjoy an equally “aggressive”, sexually enthusiastic partner that other men may find scary. How do you know which type your guy is? The best test is proven after you've guessed. If you've selected a strategy that works, you'll see the results very clearly walking towards you instead of running away. In most big cities there are more of us than of them. If you're presenting yourself in a way that he finds appealing, you'll be seeing him again soon.

After you've considered his needs, it's time to consider your own. Here are a few tips:

1. Imagine, visualize and plan the relationship you want by focusing on your NEEDS and place them in order of importance.
   
2. Consider if anyone you know fits the behaviors you enjoy. Remember that appearance, career and bank account are not behaviors; warmth or aloofness; humor or seriousness and lifestyle indicate behaviors.
   
3. Think of a man you find desirable and “see” yourself with him. Now see yourself with him one year later. Are you cringing? Are you feeling peaceful and satisfied? Write down your experiences doing this exercise.

Dear Divorce Coach,

Supposedly I had the perfect marriage but I met someone who stole me away. My husband travel's for his job 4-6 weeks at a time so I am always by myself. Before this last trip, I told him that even when he is here it is like he is not. He ignores me when I talk to him. The affair lasted a few weeks but it was so passionate & this person really made me feel good! I gave up a beautiful home, most wonderful, good looking & faithful husband for 3 weeks. My husband has gotten me everything that I have ever wanted. He did nothing but love me with all of his heart & made sure that I had anything & everything that I have ever desired. Can anyone tell me why I did this because I still can't answer this question? Can this ever be restored or is it a definite divorce? I can't stop crying; is there still a chance? Please help me.

Sincerely,
I'd Die to Try

Dear Die,

When I read, “he made sure that I had anything & everything that I have ever desired”, you refer to items that may be purchased and not the emotional connection and passion that you described as valuable to you during your affair. That need, for connection, passion and love, was met by your boyfriend, even for the few weeks that you spent together. I also understand that your need for safety, financial security, etc. are met by your husband. If you stay, you will need to learn to meet the need for emotional intimacy and excitement that was offered outside of the marriage. I offer a free one hour phone coaching session which contains the trainings also available on our “How to Avoid Divorce” video.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I am on my 4th year of marriage. Our marriage has been very rocky. He has a very angry temper, not violent but verbally abusive to me and my children. I feel I have tried very hard to make him happy, but it always goes back to me being wrong in one way or another. 1 year ago I filed for divorce, because of his anger, but somehow we got back together. It's not that I don't love him; it's just that I'm tired of fighting a losing battle

Sincerely yours,
Tired and not inspired

Dear Tired,

I teach Nonviolent Communication™ that will allow you to bring yourself to peace and to communicate with your husband peacefully. In addition to understanding your husband's anger, it is essential to pinpoint the trigger and his needs that are not being met. Once you uncover the cause you will have taken the first step to transforming your marriage.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

When asking, “How can I get his attention?” first consider compatibility and mutual needs. Before accumulating ex-boyfriends and husbands notice that you may remove the edges of “square pegs” with a mallet but when it's a square guy, he just won't sit still. If you're a “girlie-girl” and he tells you he likes them in the plain Jane mode, what are the options? First understand his needs, then the thinking behind his strategies and finally, ask yourself, “is this for me?” Then either evolve or revolve!

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com . For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact susanallan@thedivorceforum.com