Santa Monica Observer Novemberr 27, 2003
As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
CAN YOU GUESS HOW TO TURN “NO” TO “YES”
How far would you go to save your marriage? How important is your relationship to your spouse? Would you and your spouse fight to save it or do you just fight!
What have you learned from your last love affair? Are you willing to try again?
Are you thinking, “my way or the highway”? Doesn't everyone have the thought sometime that we just NEED it our way? Have you learned how to negotiate successfully with your partner? If you have, then not only will your relationship be peaceful but your skills will be great assets in all areas of your life.
When a spouse suddenly leaves, or an affair is discovered in a shocking manner, did you have any warning? Most spouses discover in coaching that there were ample warnings that were unheeded. Did your husband or wife ask again and again for some behavior to stop such as yelling or being alone for long periods? Were you asked to develop a new attitude but never managed it? When a spouse leaves and finds a new mate, can we assume that he or she has learned how to turn “No to “Yes”?
I have been married 29 years. My husband wants to divorce me and give me nothing. He is a licensed electrician and has about $400,000 in his annuity account with the union. We own a home and have two sons both aged 20. Is that true; do I really have to walk away with nothing?
I have never heard of a case similar to yours where the wife, had to "walk away with nothing". I urge you to carefully gather up and Xerox the financial documents that you have without alerting your husband. In similar situations, you may be tempted to share your feelings and information with your adult children but I advise you not to. You may also wish to begin your divorce education process. Our $5.95 E-book, "101 Divorce Secrets, A Survival Guide" is extremely helpful at www.thedivorceforum.com . This response is from Lee Slater, MBA, CFP™, CDP; Certified Divorce Financial Planner,
“ The exact percentage that you will get will be determined by your particular circumstances either in court or through negotiation by your attorney. I always tell my clients never to believe their spouse's version of the law (unless of course their spouse is a matrimonial lawyer). Yours obviously is not. You need to meet with divorce professionals such as matrimonial attorneys and a financial planner to learn about and protect your rights. ”
Two days after our 10 year anniversary, I obtained a video of my husband and another woman in our bed. He had cheated on me before but I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I wanted a divorce and he left. Now, 5 months later, he has not given me any support for our kids. He bought clothes once and a bunch of toys. Now he is living with the same woman and rubbing it in that he is with someone else. He constantly says that I failed at the marriage and it was my fault. He says that he and this woman are getting married and that she is pregnant. How can he be so cruel? How can he not take care of his kids but can have a baby with this woman? Why does all this hurt so bad and will it ever go away? Thanks for listening.
I feel concerned that you have not requested spousal and child support from the court. Have you consulted a mediator or family attorney? Have you consulted a family therapist or counselor? As 10 years is considered a “long term marriage”, there is also a good chance that you will be entitled to substantial spousal support. It appears that you may be experiencing fear which in addition to your grief and anger, are immobilizing you. I offer a 1 hour free phone consultation if you wish to discuss all your options.
For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit www.thedivorceforum.com with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact firstname.lastname@example.org
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum