Santa Monica Observer October 21, 2003


As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly



 “Intimacy is when you're intertwining your physical, emotional, spiritual and mental bodies with each other in a dance of love and both open to giving and receiving. You transcend to that level of silence and oneness and merge into God which is the ultimate intimacy.” Robert M. Place

The following coaching exercise was developed by William Stierle using Herrmann Brain Dominance ™ thinking styles:

“Intimacy is a relationship characterized by firm loyalty, strong mutual support, a shared view of the world, mutual self-disclosure and shared vulnerability.” William Stierle of Corporate Culture Development in Los Angeles .

Give a copy of this to your spouse and to any adult children and keep one for yourself. Read the 10 TYPES of INTIMACY listed below and mark the most like you to the least like you from 1-10. For an explanation of couples, families and intimate connections employing this understanding, please read this column next week.

A. Analyzer
Intellectual: Exploring and sharing ideas and concepts
Crisis: Joining abilities to handle family difficulties

B. Planner
Work: Standing shoulder to shoulder to accomplish joint goals
Commitment: Dedication to a vision larger than the family such as politics, religion or a new world order

C. Intuitive
Sexual: Sharing physical ecstasy
Spiritual: Expressing the meaning of life often including the belief in God
Interpersonal: Communicating one's innermost feelings

D. Emotional
Aesthetic: Enjoying natural and artistic beauty
Creative: Sharing creative arts; conceiving & parenting children, building a house, gardening, playing music
Recreational: Playing together, taking time to rejuvenate together

Dear Divorce Coach,

He says he loves his wife and family. I feel it's a strange way to show it. Now, when I've given up, he's trying. He isn't affecting me, I know how long this will last, (been there, done that) but the kids are taken in. They want their family to be normal. So I'm the bad guy. We have 200 acres, a new house, a horse barn, for my 20+ horses and he has about 250-300 head of cattle. Kinda tough to split. He keeps saying he won't let me leave, and honestly, it won't be easy.

Old cow hand; even older story

Dear Old,

Currently, one of my clients lives on hundreds of acres with her family. When we began our work, 3 telephone sessions ago, they were separated and filing for divorce. She felt very angry because her need for support and consideration weren't met. When she learned a new way to speak based on Nonviolent Communication™, it turned around. Now they have reconciled. I offer 1 free phone coaching session. Her most important realization was that she expected her husband to be her and she did not appreciate that he is different. She now understands that his differences provide their lifestyle which is so different from her own background and skills.

Sincerely yours,
Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan  

CLIENT: “ Thank you very much for the quick response to my question. I will share The 7 Stages of Divorce. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. Thank you very much.” A H Studio City , CA

How often have you looked within or gazed into your Beloved's face without judgments or criticism? Are you exhausted from the inner turmoil and the outer façade you maintain? Are you worried by your spouse's duality; balancing a calm veneer over panic, agony, or rage? Finding peace yourself during any situation requires practice. When you can let go or turn thoughts around, you can use peace as the spring-board to strategic planning. This is what the Titans of Industry have learned; this is what the Masters of Meditation have discovered, this is what happily married couples actually do!

Dear Divorce Coach,
How do I know when it is time for a divorce?  Verbal and physical abuse has begun to happen more often. Do we try therapy or end it before we take it any further? What do i do?????  Please help.

Two Strikes?

Dear Two,

You ask the key question about relationships. Consider, "do you love him"? and start there. If you are not sure, try my free coaching session . After the honeymoon, it is crucial to find peace yourself before listening or speak to your family. Otherwise, your own inner state may trigger some disagreements.

Ask The Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine, visit , with Collaborative Divorce information. For one hour of free, private telephone coaching, contact



Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™