Santa Monica Observer August 22, 2003


As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly



There are two versions of jealousy, that green giant; one jolly and the other not. Have you experienced jealousy triggered by Unconditional Love when you feel committed to spending your life with a partner who either isn't ready or doesn't share your feelings? This may hurt when you gaze in the mirror or in your partner's eyes. With it's basis of love, there may be a possible future for you. When you examine your partners' needs that are being met and those that are not, strategies for coupling may become clear through coaching of just one of you. When one partner is courageous enough to be vulnerable in love, there are two possibilities: a new and loving partnership will be formed either with this person or with another.

“A coward is incapable of exhibiting love; it is the prerogative of the brave.” Mahatma Gandhi

Alternatively, have you experienced jealousy triggered by the Ego; knowing that you can't have that possession, that person, and #$%*&^, someone else does? This is not motivated by love but by anger and fear. Are you triggered to compete dramatically or to project your “tough guy” image? Sometimes couples reunite and then, swiftly, disconnect. This is because with “Ego jealousy” you never had a chance. Retribution and revenge are imbedded in this kind of reconciliation. Is there a chance to reconcile when Ego jealousy blocks the way? Have you considered the connection behind and beneath the rage and fear? Was there ever a peaceful loving relationship?

Can you discern whether the basis of your relationship is the ego or the heart?

The Song of Solomon says, “My beloved is mine and I am his…For love is as strong as death… Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it” However, it also says , “I opened to my beloved, but my beloved had withdrawn himself and was gone”. Which experience is yours? Which is your partner's?

CLIENT: “This was so great. I can't tell you how helpful this session has been. This validates things I've been thinking about and feeling.” JS

Dear Divorce Coach,

My husband has had an affair and wants a divorce. We tried to work it out and I forgave him and just wanted to move on but he realized that he did not love me anymore and still wants the divorce.  I am having horrible time letting him go.  What do I do?  How do I get the strength to let go?

Sincerely yours,
Rabbit Redux

Dear Rabbit,

This response is from Frank Zizzo, Ph.D., consultant to . “The biggest pitfall of loving another is the idea of possession. The more that love is mixed with fear, the more we need to possess the love object. The more we need to possess the love object, the greater is our fear. True love does not involve fear of loss of the other, but staying in contact with the self. By acknowledging our own needs, strengths, and vulnerabilities we do not lose ourselves in love. Rather, we realize ourselves in love.”

 There are many techniques that may be used to break the bond between you and your spouse so that you move away from Agony and towards Peace. We will send you “Cutting The Cord” by Rev. Bernard Goodman

Sincerely yours,
Ask the Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I feel so hurt and angry at my wife and so jealous! I love her and am willing to work at it, but I feel I'm hitting a brick wall. She doesn't care if we stay together and it's killing me to think of her with another man. She prides herself on having control over her emotions so well that sometimes I wonder if she has any in there. It is either her way or the highway. I can compromise where she will not. 

Jealous and Judging

Dear Jealous,
My “How to Avoid Divorce Training” may demonstrate PEACE even if you are the only one doing the work. Instead of reacting with defensiveness and Rage or Agony, you will find yourself transforming, either within or without your marriage. However, with the many techniques I teach, you will have the opportunity to find peace and joy to the process

Sincerely yours,
Ask the Divorce Coach, Susan Allan


For 101 Divorce Survival Secrets , and free E-zine at , with Collaborative Divorce information For 1 hour free, private telephone coaching



Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum™