ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN

LOVE'S LOST & FOUND

 Often a partner is desperate for peace and longs to transform a relationship; sometimes the preferred strategy is to let go. How will you decide which path is best for you and for your children? My success in training individuals or couples in “How to Avoid Divorce” is 100% if even 1 partner is committed to doing the work. There is only a small window open to transform your communication with your husband or wife, which begins by FIRST shifting thoughts within yourself during individual coaching sessions. While Coaching is not therapy; it offers skills that support you to produce the results you decide are essential to your peace of mind. Sometimes, once a client gains clarity about what WOULD work, the preference is divorce but this understanding creates the peace that is the result of options.

Dear Divorce Coach,

After 30 years my wife and I are going our separate ways.  We are joint owners of our home which is clear of a mortgage.  My wife is on Social Security Disability and receives $619.00 monthly.  I'm also disabled and receive two pensions, both totaling $1667.25 monthly. If we let the courts settle the proceeds from the sale of the house, will she get more money than I? Again, we have no earning capacity.  What do you think I will have to pay in alimony?

Sincerely yours,

Stabled and Disabled

Dear Stabled,

I imagine that for both of you, financial security seems to equal physical security. Consult with a Divorce Financial Planner who will "do the math" based on all your specifics and CA state laws. You will learn the outcome and her income IF a court decides. However, once you have the figures, and both see the results of the software program print-out if you waited for the family courts, you should be able to mediate and agree. If not, I offer Pre-mediation Training so that you can hear your wife's concerns and to have her hear yours.

Ask The Divorce Coach,

Susan Allan

Dear Divorce Coach,

I am not yet divorced, but I know in my heart it must happen.  My husband has been in/out of our lives for years. We have been married for 22yrs. and he has been struggling w/drug abuse, incarceration. Recently he was incarcerated for 6mos. he was released and 1 1/2 months after, he left again. When I ran into him, he stated he was staying with a friend, and I asked why he left w/out an explanation he stated he felt the kids didn't want him there.  He never called me for almost 2 months. How can I just make that step and leave him permanently? I want to move on. I know I must let go! Apparently he doesn't want anything to do with us. Please help.

Sincerely yours,

He's Pale from Jail

Dear He's Pale,

When you say, “apparently he doesn't want anything to do with us” and your husband says that , “he felt the kids didn't want him there”, do you see the similarity? I'm guessing that each of you has a similar need for reassurance and affection. Perhaps this was the original glue that kept you together. However, I imagine that your needs for emotional safety and companionship are not met by your husband who is having such a struggle himself with substances, 12 Step Programs and prison. When you ask, how to leave him permanently and state that you know you must let go”. The infamous comedian Lenny Bruce once said about his divorce,” I finally did it; I finally did it, I realized it was hopeless and I got rid of her! Steve Allen asked him, “How did you do it?” Lenny said, “She left me!”

Learning new thinking skills to help you disconnect will include an understanding of your few needs that are met by your marriage and the long list of needs that are not met.

Ask The Divorce Coach,

Susan Allan

Susan Allan is America's leading Divorce Coach and is the creator of Marital Mediation, available through www.thedivorceforum.com and www.themarriageforum.com For answers to your questions and for a one hour free, private telephone coaching session, contact susanallan@themarriageforum.com Allan's “How to Avoid Divorce” is featured in The LA Daily News' BookTalk™. Allan appeared on Fox Morning News Nationwide on July 14 th and she may be seen as a marriage and divorce expert on MTV Comedy Central's Crossballs, The Debate Show, during July and August