Santa Monica Observer July 11, 2003
As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
The Externally Derived Sense of Self
Anyone who loves ‘The Chase' must select relationships with those who are fleeing; you cannot chase a partner who is standing still or moving toward you.
Fear of being alone is the first and last fear that humans experience. We face this when we are born, when we first watch mommy leave us with a babysitter and we face this as we approach death. The most common cause of geriatric depression is being alone which is triggered by the death of long-term spouses. That is #1 on the Homes Schedule of Stressful Events; divorce is #2.
"To move from the need to control to your true power and to reach the experience of Oneness, you have to go through that place where you have enough detachment that the body as well as the mind can remain peaceful in the face of letting go. When you truly feel any emotion it is transmuted into peace.” Frank Zizzo, Ph.D.
In learning to be alone after divorce, after the break-up of any relationship or even during the “empty nest “ phase, we are learning to move through a specific fear, the fear of emptiness, of a vacuum and for many, this is the first experience of being alone. If you have grown up with siblings, within a nuclear or an extended family; the years after college can be shocking. Many young people marry early simply to avoid feeling so frightened about being alone. After divorce, many prefer to find roommates, even if finances don't warrant it. In many cases, the spouse fighting desperately for custody of the children and the pets is the one who is terrified of being alone; and this fear is only the tip of the iceberg. The cause as well as the cure is to separate the truth from your concepts. Then you will discover that you have always been alone and that you have also never been alone. When we believe in the “externally derived sense of self”', the result is terror. When we begin to practice meditation and we connect to that joyous and peaceful place that exists beyond the “mind”, we feel the alone shift to “all one”.
Dear Divorce Coach,
If a wife moves out of a house due to a controlling situation, does she automatically forfeit her share of the home's equity?
I should still be in the "Honeymoon" phase, but he doesn't want me associating with friends. He's turning my daughter against me. How will I make ends meet, so do I just let him back?
Is your husband wanting the “honeymoon phase”, too? Is he feeling worried that you spend time with friends when he needs more attention? I read the possibility for reconciliation, do you ? For 1 hour of free coaching, please email me.
Free Trainings in ENCINO & LA from 5:30 - 6:30 p.m. ; SUSAN ALLAN & DEANIE KRAMER, MEDIATOR FOR “ DIVORCE COURT TV”
Wednesdays for direction & reservations: 818-314-1200
For 1 hour free, private telephone coaching
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum