Santa Monica Observer July 6, 2003
As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
Sometimes, in order to eliminate scar tissue, we must reopen the wound to clean it and to stitch it up. Often, it is necessary to break a bone again to reset it properly. How does that apply to divorce healing?
When you leave the marriage and numb yourself to “stop the bleeding”, that is when the scar tissue develops. Any habit such as drugs, alcohol, sex, shopping, gambling etc. may be your way of disconnecting from your feelings. At first, you may believe that the PANIC, AGONY and RAGE, 3 of the 7 STAGES OF DIVORCE, are unconfrontable. However, when you learn “The 30 Minutes to Peace Training” you will begin to move easily through your emotions to the 7th STAGE, PEACE. Using Nonviolent Communication's ™ Self-empathy, peace can be founding minutes.
Which story do you believe may be too painful to consider? That is the one that must be addressed with the support of Self-empathy, coaching or therapy. For some, it is the affair, the AGONY and RAGE triggered by thoughts of your partner sharing physical and emotional intimacy with you and with another. For others, it is the financial loss that triggers PANIC and RAGE as you contemplate the loss of home or public identity that divorce may bring. Sometimes, the AGONY of sharing custody of the children and the deep physical longing and PANIC when they are absent is the primary source of suffering. The temptation to shut off the emotions will also terminate the connection to healing and if anything is the tragedy of divorce, it is that. Not the affair; not the bankruptcy; not even the homelessness that more than 50% of all divorces experience. All these experiences are temporary; only the spiritual and emotional deadness that you bring upon yourself as a temporary solution to pain; that is the problem.
Have you experienced the death of a parent, child or spouse? Sometimes the shock of the casket, may trigger a disconnection of emotion which may only be resumed years ahead. At the time, you may believe that feelings would be too painful, destructive. In certain cultures limited and deep grieving is part of the normal process. In Judaism, seven days is set aside; for certain Native American tribes there is a similar time allotment followed by the required giving away of all the deceased's possessions. Grief, fully experienced rather than suppressed, has it's limits and it's “Letting Go”. When any emotion is avoided, displaced, projected, swallowed or drugged, scar tissue forms. If running away from problems worked; wouldn't you feel happy all the time?
“Susan, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. My ex-husband has pressured me into everything through fear with this whole divorce process.” CLIENT # 299
Dear Divorce Coach,
Free Trainings in ENCINO & LA from 5:30 - 6:30 p.m. ; July16 th
ALLAN & DEANIE KRAMER, MEDIATOR
FOR “ DIVORCE COURT TV”
For 1 hour free, private telephone coaching
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum