Santa Monica Observer June 27, 2003
As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
CONNING THE PROS
“Most people seek a relationship to find happiness. Seek happiness and a relationship will find you.”
Can you see the difference between a minor con and a pro who's conning you? Do you believe that you can con the pros yourself; your attorney; your spouse's attorney, the judge?
Do you seek relationships to avoid loneliness? Do you run from relationships to avoid intimacy? The common thread is fear. Some stay with partners without love; some chase “fresh meat” thinking the partner“ has problems”. The common ingredient is fear. 50% of America 's adults are numbed by addictions addressed in 12 Step Programs. As Ekhart Tolle has said, “addictions begin with pain and they end with pain.” Is there another solution? Must we live with fear and die with it, too?
“What you're telling yourself that stops you from moving through fear now is what stops you in your life everywhere.” T. Harv Eker, founder Millionaire Mind Intensive
The way through a house is to move from room to room but the way through fear is organic, like moving through a maze. When we do not understand the terrain; we sense our position and move until we hit a barrier, a “dead end”. Then we redirect ourselves until the next dead end. Or we may find a guide who has a map. Often the first fear that must be overcome is to trust someone to guide you. As many have learned, the only way through fear is literally through fear; trusting an expert may be the first step. Without selecting a teacher, without a mentor and with an internal process of terror, how may we learn to transform any feeling to peace? Our actions are always in accordance with our beliefs. All our beliefs are based on evidence. When you allow a therapist, coach or Guru of any type to provide you with new evidence, your beliefs will change and so will your life.
“A partner who goes from relationship to relationship seeking control is a spiritual vampire. Under the guise of offering love, they drain their partner's energy and ultimately leave the relationship to endlessly repeat the pattern. No matter how much they are given, they are an unfillable void. They prey on their partner's feelings of low self esteem, guilt, and dependency leaving them drained and demoralized.” Frank Zizzo, Ph.D.
My son's girlfriend is pregnant with his child. She and her husband have gotten papers on-line to file for divorce. She said the papers ask if you are pregnant and she was going to check no because she wanted to hurry things along. What is the point of the question on the papers and what could be the consequences of lying?
When you investigate your primary romantic relationships they all have one thing in common, you were there. Whether a partner is not as physically intimate as you are or as emotionally available as you are, one thing is certain; you define your own Comfort Zone by your relationships; you choose your partners.
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum