Santa Monica Observer June 20, 2003
As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly
ASK THE DIVORCE COACH©, SUSAN ALLAN
LOVE, HATE & PEACE
Projecting your beliefs . When you project your own desires, beliefs, preferences onto your partner, it is to justify your own behavior. In this way, a violent spouse will say to the victim, “You made me hit you”; or; “this is your fault”. That is projection. When a relationship is dominated by issues of power, control and autonomy, the more fearful partner is always the one needing to feel in control, however, he or she will see the spouse's desire for autonomy as the other's need for control. That is projection. If you now see your girlfriend as a “girl fiend”, that, too, is the projection of fear.
Approach- Avoidance . Just as you approach and then avoid your partner during the relationship, this dynamic began much earlier in your own natal home, as you watched your parents coming into and out of connection with you and with each other. As each one tried to get their needs met and at the same time, maintain emotional safety, you may have learned to accept this behavior but considered it rejection. You produce the opposite result when you learn to respond in a new way; you stop being defensive and can give and receive love.
When I read, "If
you don't have any feelings for that person anymore, the
Recognize your own power . Recognize the moment you thought, “I've had enough”; when you wanted a different partner or a different relationship. Until you acknowledge this, you are imprisoned. When you know how powerful you are, you will admit your thoughts, your feelings and the actions that you took leading up to the other's departure. Perhaps fear made you seem distant and disconnected which may cause your partner to end a relationship. Sometimes you may say or do things to discourage, disrupt or “disappear” your partners. Even monogamous sexuality between spouses can be a subtle dance of power unless you have learned to remain conscious and connected.
Have you hear, “where there's Love there is no Fear? However, objects in the rear view mirror may be closer than they appear.
From 101 Divorce Survival Secrets, and free E-zine at www.thedivorceforum.com ,
ALLAN & DEANIE KRAMER, MEDIATOR FOR “ DIVORCE
1 hour free, private telephone coaching
Susan Allan COO of The Divorce Forum