Santa Monica Observer June 20, 2003


As seen in The Santa Monica Observer Weekly



 Projecting your beliefs . When you project your own desires, beliefs, preferences onto your partner, it is to justify your own behavior. In this way, a violent spouse will say to the victim, “You made me hit you”; or; “this is your fault”. That is projection. When a relationship is dominated by issues of power, control and autonomy, the more fearful partner is always the one needing to feel in control, however, he or she will see the spouse's desire for autonomy as the other's need for control. That is projection. If you now see your girlfriend as a “girl fiend”, that, too, is the projection of fear.

Approach- Avoidance . Just as you approach and then avoid your partner during the relationship, this dynamic began much earlier in your own natal home, as you watched your parents coming into and out of connection with you and with each other. As each one tried to get their needs met and at the same time, maintain emotional safety, you may have learned to accept this behavior but considered it rejection. You produce the opposite result when you learn to respond in a new way; you stop being defensive and can give and receive love.


Dear Divorce Coach©,

If you don't have any feelings for that person anymore, the thought of them touching you disgusts you do you think that it's getting over or is it recoverable?  Can someone actually fall back in love?  Also, he started seeing a therapist 4 months ago because he had a terrible childhood and has confessed to thinking about hitting me for no apparent reason.  What does that mean?

Sincerely yours,
In and Out Burger

Dear In,

When I read, "If you don't have any feelings for that person anymore, the
thought of them touching you disgusts you", it is useful to know that the
opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication™ , has said that “love is a combination of needs met”. I am guessing that you feel angry and frightened because your need for safety and trust are not being met. Have you considered relationship counseling together? Even therapy for you without your spouse will offer the opportunity to transform your marriage.

Best regards,
Ask the Divorce Coach, Susan Allan


Recognize your own power . Recognize the moment you thought, “I've had enough”; when you wanted a different partner or a different relationship. Until you acknowledge this, you are imprisoned. When you know how powerful you are, you will admit your thoughts, your feelings and the actions that you took leading up to the other's departure. Perhaps fear made you seem distant and disconnected which may cause your partner to end a relationship. Sometimes you may say or do things to discourage, disrupt or “disappear” your partners. Even monogamous sexuality between spouses can be a subtle dance of power unless you have learned to remain conscious and connected.

Dear Divorce Coach©,
Even If I am not working, if I filed the divorce because of Verbal abuse, do you think the court will give me full custody of my child?

Sincerely yours,
Emotion in Motion


Dear Emotion,

There are many considerations that the court will weigh such as the stability of your home, the emotional condition of mother and father etc. I urge you to request a Psychological Evaluation to determine this question based on your experience of your husband as unfit. I often advise the parent to hire a qualified and separate therapist to coach you on how to behave during your evaluation and to teach you any parenting skills that you may lack at this time. This is one of my SECRET solutions in divorce!

Best regards,
Ask the Divorce Coach, Susan Allan

Have you hear, “where there's Love there is no Fear? However, objects in the rear view mirror may be closer than they appear.

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